herr_bookman | Milliways' Guide

Guide to Milliways for First-time Patrons
Welcome to Milliways, the bar at the end of the universe. There are many opportunities waiting for you, here. We assume you've found your way through a door. Check for it now. If you cannot see your door, you are Bound here, which means you're stuck without a way back home for an indeterminate time. It can lock with the same results. We are so sorry. ...You may also be dead, in which case we are still sorry.

The Rules
There are only three rules in Milliways, upheld by a volunteer Security force:

No violence of any kind.
No outside business - this essentially means no acting on grudges from back home. If you have an enemy who also attends the bar, you will act civil towards them while you both are present in the bar.
No public indecency - Milliways operates under modern Earth rules, so lewd, indecent, or sexual acts in public are prohibited. You may rent a room for that, or chance the woods, if your tastes run that way.

Sentencing is based on the arresting Security officer, though it is rare to spend more than three days in the cells. X is the head of Security, and the officers are easily identifiable by the badges they wear. Don't be afraid of the Security officers--they are here to help you.

Bar
The bar is both magical and sentient. Yes, really. You can order anything you like from her--yes, she's female, too--with the exception of anything living, magical, or weapons. She takes any currency, and you can also open up a tab, where your name will appear on the tabs board. Occasionally, Bar needs to sleep, so she will ask people to tend for her. She communicates via napkins, and is said by some to be maternal. You can rent a room from her. The Barmen are Michelangelo and Sallie.

Magic and Time
Milliways cares so little about your world's physics that time sometimes stops there while you're in the bar. When we say magic, we want you to imagine a melting pot of every possible skill from every universe that you can think of. Levitation, telepathy, super strength, pyrokinesis. There are patrons who can and will bend minds, as the powers from their worlds and their particular skills affords them, so do be careful, if you can.

The bar is interdimensional; patrons come from different universes, and different times. A large percentage of patrons come from 21st century Earth. You may also find you've come here as a child, but don't remember it.

Holidays and Other Issues
Sometimes, the bar will host holidays such as Halloween, where patrons will be subjected to costume changes. Other shape-shifting holidays include Mardi Gras, April Fools, and Cubefall; and only for the latter are we given any choice. Also, in the winter, a flu goes around that causes patrons to believe they are a different person. Patrons sometimes celebrate their own holidays as well.

Artifacts
Occasionally, there will be magical artifacts which can cause mayhem, such as a baton that will cause music to follow people, or juggling balls which inebriate all who touch them. Beware of these innocuous-looking objects. They are usually taken care of in short order by the patrons of their respective worlds.

Fund For Minors
If you are a minor, never fear--your purchases are covered by the Children and Bound Patron's Fund. There is no paperwork in order to apply, nor do you need to ask anyone about it. Bar knows how old you are.

Milliscouts
The Milliscouts are a group aimed at 13-19 run by Bonnie Murdock which fosters independence by use of fun, self-directed and group activities, like building your own sleds.

The Deceased
Some patrons may have died in their home worlds, and have ended up here as a sort of afterlife. They can leave for three days or so, but will return to the bar afterwards.

Salient Features of the Bar - Bar Proper

The Layout - The walls in the main Bar move. Seldom while they are being watched, but the layout of the main Bar is never the same twice.
The Wait Rats - The bar hosts giant rats which serve drinks and work in the infirmary. They will bring you room service, though it's polite to tip. They are hygienic.
Free Food - Do not under any circumstances eat free food! Curry can switch your body with someone else eating it, and apples can cause amnesia.
The Window - The Window of Observation looks out onto the end of all universes, playing over and over. It is unsettling for some, and very colorful. We recommend avoiding it.
The Fireplace - Has fish in it.
The Lost and Found - The box has enough room for a person to be in there, so be careful.
The Evil Karaoke Machine - Do not, under any circumstances, touch this machine. You will be compelled to sing songs with it.
The Trilobite Tank
The Piano - Owned by Yrael and open to all who can play.

Salient Features of the Bar - Indoors

The Library - It is located upstairs, in room 79i--also known as 88--and is massive. It is said that the library holds every book ever written, and it has a decent audio-visual section as well. There is a magic which enables you to find what you're looking for, though you can still get lost.
The Jetball Court - This can be accessed by a circular door in one of the hallways.
The Dance Studio - Upstairs, there is a dance studio for those inclined to practice dance or fencing.
The Garage - If you're so inclined, you can take an elevator down to the garage, which holds every vehicle known to exist.
Indoor Beach - In one of the rooms upstairs, someone has fashioned an indoor beach with sand and water and potted plants.
Jay's Workshop - Jason Todd owns a workshop down in the garage for machinery repair. He can build and repair almost anything that is either electronic or mechanical. He also has trackers which can be used in the garage that lead back to the elevator to ensure that no one gets lost.
The Gym - has a motorcycle.
The Security Office
The Cells - Baby is also sentient, and will care for you while you're imprisoned, based on how she's been ordered. There is no way to break out of Baby.
The Infirmary - Milliways has healthcare open to all, run from the infirmary. Many of the machines are from certain patrons' futures, and there are trained doctors on call, like Simon Tam and Guppy. There is an alarm button inside the infirmary door which will summon them when needed.
The Kitchen - The kitchen is open to all who feel the need to cook.
The Chapel - Run by Father Harman, the chapel is open to all faiths and located next to the library.

Salient Features of the Bar - Outside

The Greenhouse - Like the library, the greenhouse is massive, and rests outside in an environment similar to Earth's Scotland.
The Church - Is still being built by Javert.
The Training Grounds - An obstacle course open to all
The Shooting Range - This is a place to shoot and throw grenades away from the bar proper. Near the grenade range is a crater with a boulder used for more heavy weaponry.
The Garden - Run by Dinah and Lucas.
The Forest - Milliways boasts an enchanted forest, which has demon bunnies with sharp, pointy teeth. They are inedible to humans. To werewolves and cats and not'cats, they have proven to be quite tasty. Some people tan the hides. There are also normal animals, like deer and bears. The forest also loops; if you keep walking or flying in one direction, then you'll end up back where you started. We know, it's weird.
The Treefort - Inside the forest, there is a rather impressive treefort built primarily by Tyler Marlocke and Enzo. There is a "Tire swing of doom," an elevator, and a crow's nest.
The Mountains - There is a dangerous labyrinth in the mountains, home to the Krampus, a holiday demon. The mountains loop, too, and only have one side. There are several streams and brooks with fish.
The Baseball Diamond - Has been overgrown and overrun with demon bunnies, but there once was a professional baseball diamond.
The Forge - Milliways has its own blacksmith--Teja, the last king of the Ostrogoths.
The Stables - Hosts a number of animals belonging to patrons, including horses, polar-bear dogs, and Brahmin--two-headed cows. You can volunteer to work here if you need to pay off your tab; inquire after William Evans. These used to be run by Kate Barlow and Doc Scurlock.
The Lake - The lake, where a pair of friendly giant squid reside, opens into any sea and hosts a Caribbean inlet. The inlet is always sunny and sports an actual beach. A mermaid also calls the lake home, and while she'll kiss you, she has been subdued by the head of Security, Melaka Fray, so she'll not eat you.
The Air Temple Island - There is a temple on an island in the lake built entirely of liquor bottles.

We hope you enjoy your stay at Milliways. Patrons are generally friendly and helpful, and there is a tradition of hospitality here at the bar.

Appendices
List of Infirmary Workers
Basic Staff List
Holiday List

[The brochure is professionally printed, and comes complete with hand drawn maps of the bar and grounds.]