herr_bookman | OOM: In Memory

Autor learns a lot about himself while recovering his memories. He learns that he used to be much more driven, obsessed with changing the world. He realizes how quickly he falls in love. And he sees how lonely he used to be, this Autor of a former life who never told anyone anything.

The boy wanted desperately to be the hero of his own Story, Spinning his own compositions for glory and honor and to sate ambition. Now, night after night, he curls around his rememberizer in bed, knitting and watching his old story unfold before his eyes. He remembers all of the conversations he had here except for small bits concerning things at home that are fuzzy in his brain.

Sifting through them with his kitten in his lap takes a heinous amount of time, and he's learning that he really was a secretive bastard. The only people I really told anything to were Rae and Mirai. Autor eventually quits looking at his bar memories and starts paying attention to his home life, which is where things get really interesting--after a certain point.

He's intrigued by--and yet, soon bored with--the ritual where he seems to stand around for three days without moving. He's surprised at how often he did it. Autor is also surprised to see how much he followed Fakir--doubtless on the level of a professional stalker. Frustration bordering on hatred courses through Autor when he looks at the other boy, and he regards the emotion with curious detachment.

Then he watches himself put Fakir through that ritual, and deals with feelings of superiority. The power of Spinning terrifies Autor, even though he feels triumphant while watching his explanation to Fakir. He relives his devastation when Fakir was chosen by the oak tree and the Bookmen--who fill him with rage.

Then Autor falls in love all over again. Using the rememberizer, he watches himself fall for Rue--and fall hard, due to the Story's influence--confess, and suffer rejection. As with all his recovered memories, the emotions remain, so his feelings surge back through him as soon as he lays eyes on her raven hair and wine red eyes. He takes a break afterward, not picking up the rememberizer for two days.

And the boy has to take another break after hearing his father tell a story about Drosselmeyer's death to Autor's eight-year-old self when the Story ran backwards. Fakir fixed it, and saved Duck from Drosselmeyer's clutches.

When next Autor delved into his story, he saw Fakir convince him to help rewrite the Story, the Monster Raven reborn, and the skies rain blood. He reads of Drosselmeyer's cruelty to Duck, and gasps while watching himself learn that Rue had sacrificed herself to the Monster Raven. So he grieves for her quietly, letting melancholy feelings of guilt and hurt wash over him, but not stick.

He takes another break. Then he watches himself beat an old man unconscious. To be fair, the leader of the Bookmen was about to kill him and Fakir both while Fakir finished the Story, but Autor still feels sick and scared afterward. He sees himself faint, and knows that's where the memory loss happened.

Now Autor knows what he lived through. He's not sure what to do with these memories, exactly, but now he knows. As far as he's concerned, he's just Autor, a music student, whose past designs on ruling the world no longer apply. He writes a long letter to Lemia, thanking her for the rememberizer which allowed him to reconstruct his memories. Then he puts the blue compact away in his pocket, and heads out to the bar to live his current life.